note to self

notes to yourself are investments of the best kind. they pep you up when you need the extra YOU CAN DO IT slapped in the face like a wet fish. no drug influence of any kind, and no fish necessary.
not only do people around the world write things to themselves but they actually follow them through!! who would have thought. oh, you did? i didn't. i have a diary and an iphone and guess which one gets used even more than the over will ever be?
i just love stationery stores, so this shouldn't be a problem at all. its like walking into a shoe store - they're pretty and expensive and the lighting is extra good, the merchandise inspires quality writing - so what's left to hate about them!

i like it when i have exclamation points in my notes to self, it re-iterates my point. i don't like it when i write in some sort of code so that nobody can ever understand what i was ever trying to say, if they (somehow) stumble across my note to self. uggh, it's a note to self, i think it'll be immune to others reading it all by itself without the help of pig latin.
anyway, this is a note i found which was written a good five years ago while cleaning my room, aka death trap with shoes. it's comforting to know i took a moment to record my goals, however small they were. take note of the sheer wisdom.

Think before you react.
Practise Concious Communication.
Live your life more in public - share it!
Take all bad as challenges.
Create for yourself what you feel is missing.
Smile like you mean it.
Relate to people as if they're your best friend!
Dare to show enthusiasm!

pain

it's never your fault.
just something we all wish you weren't.
it's almost like telling a fish to breathe out of water, because no expectations means no
let-downs.
it's taken a while to build up, a moment to die down,
but when i see you again, it'll be like nothing has changed.
at least i hope it will.

if youth and determination were all that mattered, it still wouldn't fit right.
like a limb torn off, and sewn back together with fishing wire.
fake, plastic.

alterior motives don't show when you're not looking for them,
and i was blinded, so blinded.
it's funny how we do that.
and never let it show,
just like we want the pain.

take it away though, and it's all the more painful.

just special

if someone you knew, who has been there for you for years, but their real potential as a friend never really showed itself, because neither of you had really experienced life for long enough - if they died today...what would you do? of course you'd be sad, but what would you actually do? would you change your relations with others so that they knew just how much they have meant to you over the years? would you be a better listener, more astute to what others were going through around your little world, would you sing at the top of your lungs when you're happy in their presence, or cry when you're sharing the hardest moments of your life with them?

those emotions you take for granted when you're in the presence of your favourite people are melded into the moment, all apart of the greater experience, and you ride it, with them.

but what if those people are taken away from you? what if when those ones who have been sewn under your skin are no longer around?

well, you learn more about who you are. you're taken to a place where you've never had those people to cushion the blow when you're lonely, or sad, or just even needing to talk. you start to think about life more, i mean really think, of what you want - as a career, as a lover, as a friend, as down-time, as a hobby, as a good time. your beliefs are still your own, but it's like they've been trapped in a world you've always known. don't get me wrong, this can be an amazing thing, but if you as a person are transient - and we all know everything changes - your outside may not match what's going on inside.

i've gone through these hurdles and a few personal trials this year to realise the value of true friends in this world - the cuddly ones, the ones you've known since you were three. they know you, and you know them, to the point where you can read eachother's minds. you do everything together. they're the first person you think of when you're asked to bring a friend along. when you talk, it's like you pick up where you left off, like every fucking time.

i'm lucky to say i have that friend, and she means the absolute world to me and life would just be dull without her. but i don't always have to be with her. although i want to, i don't need to, and that's important to have. it means you don't O.D. on them....

I know how much i mean to her, and she knows how much she means to me.

it's as simple as that.

please don't live your life with others oblivious.

for my girl, my sister.

xx

new year

there's something about this poem that speaks to me.

happy new year babies.

may this be your happiest year yet, full of growth and love. xx

Now I am quietly waiting for
the catastrophe of my personality
to seem beautiful again,
and interesting, and modern.

The country is grey and
brown and white in trees,
snows and skies of laughter
always diminishing, less funny
not just darker, not just grey.

It may be the coldest day of
the year, what does he think of
that? I mean, what do I? And if I do,
perhaps I am myself again.

FRANK O'HARA